


Distance

by tinytrash575



Series: Missing Development [3]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: 4x06, Angst, Apologies, Conflict Resolution, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship/Love, brief mention of a minor character's suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 23:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11172018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinytrash575/pseuds/tinytrash575
Summary: After the hug in 4x06, Lydia confronts Stiles about the distance that has grown between them recently. Can be read as a stand alone and also as an epilogue for Imperfect storms.





	Distance

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this can be read as a stand alone, but also as the third in a series of interrelated fics set between the end of season 3B and midway through season 4. I wasn't originally sure whether I was going to write this, but during my season 4 re-watch I found the perfect place to set it, and I also apparently have an addiction to writing angsty pre-canon (relationship) stydia.

Lydia walked dazedly over to Stiles, letting his arms envelop her because if they didn’t she was sure her legs would give out. She wrapped her arms around him, clinging to him as the room spun and the ground began crumbling beneath her. This couldn’t be happening. Meredith couldn’t be dead. Blood was rushing in her ears and her heart was pounding furiously. It was her fault that Meredith was dead. She’d pushed her too hard this afternoon and now lost the only other banshee she’d ever met.

She pressed her face into Stiles’ shoulder, breathing in his familiar scent as she stopped fighting the tears that were bursting to spill from her eyes, stopped holding back the heavy, choking sobs that were ripping through her body. She leant all of her weight on him, allowing the arm that was wrapped around her back and the other that was cradling her head to keep her upright. He was the only thing preventing her from completely collapsing.

Stiles gently stroked her hair as she sobbed violently into the collar of his shirt, her lungs screaming and her stomach aching with the effort. She could barely get enough air, sucking in quick, sharp gulps. She was the reason someone had killed themselves. Not just someone, the one person who could have helped them. Gut wrenching guilt flooded through her with the force of a tidal wave. How could she have done that? Pushed someone so hard that they’d taken their own life.

It didn’t feel real, like it wasn’t really happening. How could it be happening? The shock and the guilt were dragging her so far down that it was a wonder she hadn’t given up completely. The words replayed over and over in her head as she cried, Parrish telling her the news. The words made a permanent stain on her heart.

Once she was completely exhausted, with no more sobs caught in her throat, Lydia just leant into Stiles, taking in deep breaths as she concentrated on the warmth and stability of his body against hers, his arms around her. Her eyes were closed, the last few tears leaking slowly from them as a comforting warmth started to bloom in her chest as she relaxed into his touch.

She told herself that she couldn’t do this. She couldn’t give in to these feelings that she was trying to ignore, but right now she needed this, needed him, so she’d just have to indulge them until the shock and the guilt and the utter devastation went away because otherwise she didn’t know how she was going to do this. She’d been trying to bury her feelings for Stiles as soon as she’d realized they were there, especially since he was with Malia now, and this really wasn’t helping. But her fluttering heartbeat and the contentedness that flowed through her body from the comfort of his embrace, the familiarity of it, were too strong to ignore.

Another forceful wave of emotion rolled through her, and this time anger permeated her veins and exploded in her chest. Today was the first time that she and Stiles had spent a considerable amount of time together alone for weeks. It was the first time they had felt like _them_ in a while, and Lydia had missed it. But then she was reminded of why things between them weren’t the same and she was suddenly so furious that she was here seeking comfort from the person who had essentially abandoned her. What was different now? Why was he suddenly here now when he hadn’t been for weeks? A whirlwind of confusion tore through her. She couldn’t do this right now. She couldn’t be giving in to her feelings for Stiles when she was still so angry with him. She had to stop this.

“Let go,” Lydia whispered, pulling her head away from his shoulder so she was looking over it. She knew that she needed to break away from him right now, she couldn’t keep indulging herself.

“What?” asked Stiles tentatively as he registered her stirring. She didn’t fight against his arms but the urge to slip out of them and breathe her own air was overpowering.

“I said let go,” she repeated, a little louder and a little more frantic. Stiles let her go immediately, and she backed away from him, turning around so he couldn’t see the second wave of tears she was trying to fight as the rage she felt towards him surged through her.

“What’s wrong?” asked Stiles as Lydia moved away from him, panic lacing his voice. Itching desperation to know what made her ask him to let her go coursed through him. He absolutely hated seeing her upset. It broke something inside of him every time. She didn’t respond, only stepped further away.

 “Lydia, please,” he said, his voice strained. He was practically begging her. “Talk to me.”

She turned around slowly, her mouth hanging slightly open in what looked like shock. Her eyes were wide and watery as they bore into his, raw and desperate pain shining through them.

“Why did it take me driving someone to suicide for you to be there for me?” she said, her voice high and shaky, trying not to break. A million different thoughts hit Stiles all at once, so forcefully that it felt like he’d just been kicked in the chest.

“What?” he stammered, struggling to find which aspect of what she’d said to cling to. It destroyed him that she blamed herself for Meredith’s death, but he knew better than anyone that trying to convince her otherwise right now would be pointless. Instead he focused on what she said about not being there for her, his chest aching as he looked at her. “What do you mean?”

“Oh my god,” she gasped, shaking her head. She could feel her heart cracking down the middle, ripping apart and hitting everything else like shrapnel imbedded in her chest. He didn’t even realize that he’d stopped being there for her. The sting of it twisted her insides, leaving her gasping for breath. “You haven’t even noticed.”

“Noticed what?” he said, blinking at her in pained confusion. Lydia nearly choked up as she prepared herself to tell him, but she knew that she had to. They couldn’t go on like this. She wanted him back, she wanted _them_ back. Burning anger and heartache surged through her as she opened her mouth to speak

“That you haven’t talked to me in weeks,” she told him firmly, pushing all of her effort into not crying. She wouldn’t give him her tears until she knew why he’d abandoned her. “Not properly.”

Stiles realized then, exactly what she was talking about. His entire body went cold with the reality of how much he’d hurt her, his heart aching so strongly that it may as well have been ripped out of him.

“Lydia,” he breathed, his voice so broken that she wondered if he was about to cry. Another boiling surge of anger shot through her.

“You stopped calling me,” she blurted, wanting to scream the words, to let all of the pent up agony from the past few weeks out. “Stopped hanging out with me. You don’t even ask how I’m doing,” she caught her breath, nearly choking on the lump in her throat. “You’ve been acting like I barely even exist.”

Stiles stood gaping at Lydia as her words sunk in, everything he could think to say in response getting caught in his throat. His entire body was flooded with a bone deep guilt. He ran a hand through his hair, squeezing his eyes shut with as much force as he could as hot self directed anger pulsed through his veins.

“Shit,” he hissed slowly, looking at her again. Her eyes were fixed on him with such piercing desperation and hurt. He shook his head, meeting them. “I never meant to hurt you like this.”

“So you knew,” gasped Lydia, surprised that the shock didn’t knock her to the floor. The guilt radiating from his eyes confirmed everything.

“Why?” she demanded, tears blurring her vision. Her chest was heaving as the urge to sob swept through her like waves yet to break against the shore. “Why did you do that to me? I needed you and you just disappeared.”

“I thought you’d be okay,” Stiles replied quietly, his voice strained. Lydia closed her eyes in utter disbelief.

 “You’re my best friend,” she exclaimed, one tear sneaking out of her eye and sliding down her cheek. He was more than that, but she couldn’t tell him. She had to keep that to herself, and it made this even more painful than it already was. “How could you possibly think I’d be okay without you?”

“Because I wasn’t, alright,” he argued, the ache from hearing her call him her best friend crushing him. “After everything that happened I was a total fucking wreck.”

“I know,” she replied, choking the words out as another tear fell. Stiles felt like he was going to collapse if he kept looking at her, but he couldn’t stop. “And I was there for you. And I thought you were there for me too but then you just disappeared.”

 “You were always busy or distant,” she pointed out, sounding exhausted. The look of hurt and disappointment in her eyes was tearing his heart out strip by strip. “You just stopped being there for me with no explanation.”

“I have an explanation, Lydia,” he told her, desperation filling his voice. He had to admit that he’d put some distance between them on purpose because he couldn’t handle the responsibility he felt for Allison’s death that she only exacerbated, but then things had spiraled and got more serious until this massive wedge had been driven between them.“But it’s a really crappy one and honestly you deserve a better reason.”

“Just tell me,” she said, tiredness lacing her voice. She looked so done, her patience completely gone. “Tell me why you weren’t there when I needed you.”

“Like I said, I was a wreck,” Stiles began to explain again, his voice trembling slightly. “I couldn’t figure out how to deal with all the guilt I was feeling and everything just kept making it worse.”

Lydia watched him as he confessed his reason for leaving her, another crippling wave of heartache hitting her. She wondered how her heart was still in one piece. It felt like it had shattered, like it was a window he’d thrown a brick through.

“Every time I helped you it just reminded me of what I’d done,” he continued, his words dripping with regret. “And everything got so twisted and complicated and it made me feel terrible.”

Lydia realized exactly what he was saying, that seeing her so upset over Allison’s death only made him feel more responsible for it, and because of that he pulled away. Lydia went cold, her chest so heavy that she was struggling to breathe. She could understand that, and a part of her even felt bad for not being able to notice it at the time.

 “So I’m the reason,” she said, her voice barely more than a broken whisper. Stiles felt another wave of crushing guilt crash through him. She thought this was her fault, when it was entirely his. He couldn’t have that.

“No no no no please don’t think that,” he said frantically, stepping towards her and bridging the gap between them until it was nothing more than a few inches. He reached out to touch her arm, stopping himself when he saw her glance down at his hand. “I was the reason. I was in a really messed up place and I was selfish. It’s not your fault.”

Her eyes were still on the space where they were almost touching, his hand centimeters away from her arm. Slowly she looked up and met his eyes, hers bright and vulnerable as they looked at him.

“I needed to help someone,” he told her, desperation for her to understand filling his voice. “I needed to prove that that there was still some good left in me and with you it just backfired because all I could think about was how I caused your pain in the first place.”

 _No you didn’t_ , Lydia bit back a response. _Not until you stopped being there._ He looked so devastated over the fact he’d upset her, at the fact she thought this could have been her fault. It tugged painfully at her heart, aching desire for this fight to be over and for them to go back to normal flooding through her. Stiles drew his attention away from her face, and Lydia watched his Adam’s apple bob in his throat as he swallowed, his eyes on the floor.

“But when I started helping Malia, it was different. She made me feel normal again,” he continued to explain, bringing his focus back to Lydia. Stinging heartache tore through her at the mention of his girlfriend, but Lydia fought to contain it. She couldn’t be bringing her feelings for him into this, it was already unbearable without that additional factor. “And I guess I just lost myself in helping her and stopped being there for you and I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”

“No you shouldn’t have,” Lydia responded sternly, the anger that she had almost forgotten rushing back into her. “And I’m sorry that you felt that way but you didn’t have to do that to me. You could have talked to me.”

 “I know,” Stiles said quietly, closing his eyes.

Lydia bit her lip, pushing against more tears. She felt so conflicted now that she had the answers. She was still incredibly angry with him for what he’d done to her, but now that she knew the reason why a part of her felt like she couldn’t be. He was in such a bad place at the end of last year, and if she was indirectly contributing to that she could understand why he’d done it, but being able to understand why made it harder to be angry with him and she had a right to that anger. That anger was also one of the only things keeping her recently discovered feelings for him at bay, and now that everything was out in the open and hopefully things between them would be resolved, it was going to make ignoring them even harder, which was the last thing she needed on the back of everything else that was happening. She sighed, desperately wishing things weren’t so complicated.

“It really hurt,” she said, pushing every ounce of emotion into her words. Her voice cracked, and tears started to spill down her cheeks.

“I know,” murmured Stiles, wanting to wipe the tears from her cheeks and pull her into his arms again. He watched her close her eyes and press her lips together as she tried to stop herself from crying. He was struggling not to cry too after seeing how much he’d hurt her. He felt absolutely wretched, like the heaviness, pain and guilt were rotting him from the inside out. It was a feeling he’d become too familiar with.

“You’ve always been there for me, always,” she said, her voice tight and strained. For a second, her eyes softened as she looked at him, the shine from the unshed tears accentuating the shift in emotion. “I couldn’t understand why you would do that. You were the last person I expected to leave me when I needed you the most.”

“I am really sorry,” he told her, and just when he thought he couldn’t feel any worse, more pain tugged at his heart. He saw the way she was looking at him right now, the anger and the disappointment and the hurt, and he realized that she believed that she was no longer important to him, and it destroyed him. She would always be important, even when he was with someone else, she would never stop being important to him, and he’d failed to let her know that. “And I swear I will never do that to you again, no matter how I feel.”

Lydia let out a shaky breath as she listened to his words, everything swirling around inside her so fast that she almost couldn’t keep with it. He’d admitted and apologized for what he’d done. It was over, the distance between them would soon be a memory, and a warm hopefulness rippled through her chest at the thought of that, but so many things still lingered in the tornado of emotions tearing its way through her heart. Raging anger still clung to every cell in her body despite how much she wished it away, and then there were her feelings for him.

“I’m still so angry with you,” she said breathily, closing her eyes. Stiles nodded.

“Honestly, I deserve it,” he replied, his voice steady despite the fact his entire body ached from feeling like he was about to fall apart. “I should have never abandoned you like that.”

Lydia met his gaze, and an unspoken acknowledgement passed between them. He knew what he did was wrong, and had hurt her, but they were both ready to start to move past it and go back to how they were.

“Please don’t do that to me again,” said Lydia, feeling totally vulnerable as her eyes bore into his. She could see that Stiles was genuinely sorry, she could see the regret on his face as he shook his head.

“I won’t. I promise,” he told her, knowing that no matter what the cost, he was going to keep it.

“Good,” said Lydia, allowing the small cracks of a smile start to break through before her face turned serious again. In all the focus on their personal issues, she’d forgotten about Meredith, and now the guilt she felt over Meredith’s suicide barreled back into her so hard that she thought her heart had been ripped out. “Because I need you right now.”

“Then I’m not going anywhere,” said Stiles softly, closing the few inches of space between them and pulling her against him once more. As Lydia leant into him, fighting off another round of tears, a wave of relief rushed through her. As much as this moment right now was about Meredith, it was also about them. They were going to be okay again, and the knowledge of that made everything else that little bit more bearable.

After a while, Stiles guided Lydia over to his bed, where the two of them sat in silence, her head resting on his shoulder, for as long as she needed. He wouldn’t leave her, not again, never again. Later, when Scott called asking him to come over so they could look at the bag of money he’d found, Stiles asked Lydia if she would mind him picking up the phone, and checked again that it was okay he was leaving before he drove her home, heading to Scott’s after.

Once Lydia was back home, she collapsed on her bed. She still felt horrendously guilty about Meredith, but she figured that she would process it in her own way and eventually that guilt would fade. The black cloud that had become tonight did however have a silver lining, she had finally sorted things out with Stiles. The air had been cleared, and hopefully they would go back to being _them_ again. Now all Lydia needed to do was work out a way to suppress her feelings for him, because she knew that she never wanted their friendship to get that messy again and if she couldn’t do that, then the risk would be hanging there the entire time.


End file.
